If it is one thing, being in a refiners fire sure helps you learn, and quickly. I am incredibly grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving and sure God. I am also thankful for the many kind and gracious men and women who work on our behalf. Today I wanted to share a bit about suffering… and the oppositive which is peace and beauty.
One of my mentors, Allyson Chavez, is teaching me about being in a beautiful state, and how that is where resources and connection is. These past two-years have been riddled with obstacles, heartbreak, and challenges. I had an epiphany today about suffering.
We all continue to behave based on receiving a payout for that specific behavior. Even destructive behavior rewards us in some way, or else we wouldn’t partake, right? As I have been learning about creating and becoming and being – the truth comes back to one clear point. Suffering in adversity creates dissonance, pain, and despair. Circumstances are neutral. Being in a beautiufl state means I am creating, connected, empowered, full of ideas, and have access to resources. As I come to understand that as I remaining in a state of gratitude, I experience hope, clarity, and generosity – regardless of circumstances provides an instant connection to resources, ideas, and creativity. Especially in times of difficulty, being ingratitude is the answer to having the resources required to endure and thrive. So why is it so hard to stay in a beautiful state?
Today I finally have a clear understanding of how I was using suffering against myself. As we have been navigating difficult challenges, I have been giving myself a huge payout for remaining in a suffering state. While I want to experience creation, power, and abundance; I’ve been thriving on pain, discouragement, and despair. I have been making a mental list of all the tragedy and heartache – as I watch my heartache and burden grow, I add to the list and repeat the burdens. No wonder I have been drowning in a vat of hopelessness. My payment has been the soul-tingling sensation of proof of my heartbreak. I have been desperately clinging to a glimmer of light that I could not hold because my feet were tethered to sinking. Transforming from suffering to beauty is a shift of perspective and finding proof of miracles, of peace and abundance.
Last night for family night Jonny shared the story of the Pharisees and Sadducees condemning the Savior’s divinity because they could not see the signs. They were looking to the clouds and the sky for evidence of a forecast, and yet could not even recognize the Savior as their redeemer in the flesh. He talked about looking to God for evidence versus looking for proof of no evidence. They were looking at him eye to eye and didn’t see their sign. We can look to the birds, the butterflies, the changing of the seasons as evidence of a divine and magnificent creator.
The summer of Jonny’s tumor diagnosis was a dark time for our family. And yet, heaven’s reminders wafted through the air gently and constantly on our path. We were inundated with butterflies, particularly white ones; dragonflies – the warrior type and morning doves. All of these creatures are reminders of a loving creator, sentinels of peace and warriors of the faith. We walked a path trod by faith angels, scholars, and doers. We were sustained and captivated by the call beyond the veil, knowing that we have so many angels and guardians watching over us.
This newer season is different. People can’t see the devastating effects of brain injury. The pain is invisible. The depression and subsequent hopelessness can’t be as easily attended to as a catastrophic surgery. The nighttime terrors and gravity pulling despair are deep and bottomless. Sometimes the feeling is palpable throughout the house. Other times it is personal and private; a cacophony of dreams entomb a hallucination of sinking and drowning; lurking predators waiting for their next victim. Long term chronic illness is no friend to progression or hope. It is a weight of guilt, burden, and never-ending pain. I have experienced some of this despair myself, and some for my husband who continues to battle daily for a sense of normal.
The blessing of feeling is an expanding soul-cavern for empathy, compassion, and acceptance. I no longer look to my fellow humans in suffering from disdain and judgment. My heart is long drawn out in prayer and supplication for my brothers and sisters. My prayers are more raw and real. Sometimes my prayers start with Heavenly Father’s name and end in silence because he already knows, and I know he knows, and so he sits with me. Sometimes this feeling of darkness opens my heart to appreciate the vast and infinite suffering of the Savior and those moments that he bore this pain already. He already felt this sorrow – and the sorrow magnified through the generations of this moment. I am in awe of his capacity, and I am without guile or understanding of how he made this remarkable gift possible.
I know thee Satan. It is in this suffering that the guile of Lucifer’s decoys sluff off and reality is shown, face to face. Twice last week we cast Satan out of our midst. Knowing him isn’t the scary part. It’s believing him that I fear. Those moments of doubt and self-loathing that feel like your voice, when in reality they are his. It’s his camouflage of my sound that is intimidating. When the power of Jesus Christ by the authority of the priesthood, he and his minions have whisked out my presence, and I can breathe. Full lung inhales and exhale.
This is what I know.
Jesus is the Christ. He is my Redeemer. He saved me when I was two and almost fell off a second story roof. He spared my life in utero when I could have been an AIDS baby. He has Redeemed my soul from a lake of endless torment and despair. He is the light in my wilderness and the balm to my sorrows. Without Him, I am nothing. Through Him, I have everything.
I know my Heavenly Father loves me. He voice is like the mighty raging river. His power instills reverence. He is magnificent and all-encompassing. It is only by and through Jesus Christ that we can access his glory and redemptive plan of happiness.
The plan of happiness demands our individual decision to accept and practice faith in action. We cannot be forced or coerced to behave in a righteous manner. In fact, we are required to create a beautiful state of our own accord. He cannot and won’t demand us to be happy or peaceful. While he suffers when we suffer, we have to choose to come up happy. We have to choose to feel at peace. We have to demand of ourselves to look for proof of God’s promises, even when there is no evidence. And in so doing, we are inviting miracles, strength, compassion, and friendship. We are calling out the universe to provide us what we need and to receive all of God’s blessings.
Just like a child learning to walk, who falls and gets back up again, I am a God in training; learning to master my mind and my acceptance of Universal truth. Today I commit to finding evidence, always of what is right; that there is enough, that I am doing my best and that God is sending what I need at the exact time and his way. All things work together for my good. This is my truth. This is my beautiful state.
