The night before she was born, I was frantically rushing to get everything done. For weeks prior I had been on bed rest due to some complications. Pre-eclampsia had taken its toll on my blood pressure, and so I was required to do nothing, even though I felt fine. My doctor schedule my induction three weeks prior to my due date because of his concern for my health. Once we knew that the baby was in a safe range for birth, it was go time. The usually molasses stricken hours and minutes were quickly transformed into a mountain of to do items, that needed to be accomplished before the baby’s birthday. I felt energetic and nervous, anxious to be finished with the pregnancy, and most importantly to meet my new little princess. For weeks her hiccups had kept me company, I could sense her in me, not just me bigger, but me and another. It was a beautiful experience.
I knew enough about children because of my experience babysitting, that I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. Eek! A new mom! I couldn’t believe this was me! Loud wind howled throughout the night. I remember hearing a ruckus motorcyclist speed through our neighborhood. All these sounds and a swift movement towards my nerves, I knew it was going to be a sleepless night.
We arrived at the hospital early, despite being three weeks from my due date, the labor went swiftly. Just 8 hours from the time I was hooked up until I met my sweet little Anna. Her first moments were a bit scary, she was purple, and limp. I waited anxiously to hear her cry. “Where is she? Is she alright? Why can’t I hear her?”
The nurses soothed my fears, my pediatric nurse mother was right by the waiting respiratory therapist and instinctively wanted to take over his position of reviving a struggling new born. Within a long few seconds, she was wailing, the sweetest sound on earth for any mother, and she was oh, so tiny!! Just 5 pounds 11 ounces. A scrawny 19 inches was her frame. Her head was covered in an almost nonexistent, invisible fuzz. She had pouty red lips and she was perfect. We spent an extra day in the hospital, with her being so little, and me being so sick.
Then we came home. I remember enjoying the luxury of holding an rocking her for hours. I loved claiming rhythm to our new life, a rhythm in nursing, in rocking, in sleeping, in her calling to me, and me coming to understand her needs and wants. In time we added a melody to that rhythm. She grew in beauty, and life. Her spunk and happiness are contagious to those she comes into contact with. She is brave and adventurous, always wanting to push life’s experience to the appropriate level of excitement. She is bright and light. She has an innate desire to do good, to help others around her feel included, and to make good decisions.
Right now it is 4:36, on her 12th birthday. It’s almost exactly to the minute that she arrived. It is her little heart and hands that made me a mother. I am humbled beyond my wildest dreams to know my Heavenly Father entrusted her to me, for her care, nurture, education, tutelage.
The most important lessons I have learned from her, and because of her, is that of control. (Meaning I know that I don’t really have any!)
What she really wants and needs is love, and that can come in the form of discipline, time watching tv, or a quiet moment of letting go of our walls and just plain talking.
Enjoying today, and every moment of our opportunities is the best way to create our future.
I love watching my sweet 12 year old discover mascara, delight in unexpected surprises from her friends on her birthday, and share a pleasant kindness with her siblings. Today I saw her decide to be open to the excitement of her day and she shared that love by reaching out to others in joy. I watched her step up into her tween-ness by stretching out of her comfort zone, and by inviting others to come along with her on a journey.
Through motherhood I am afraid that my worst moments have displayed. I hope that in her journey of life that she recognizes my humanity and appreciates the gifts of imperfection that I have so freely given her. In the moments of life I am sure that I am just a born earlier than her equal. In seeing my own humanity I hope that she can fully explore and accept her own. Our greatest gift is not perfection, but in our willingness to fully engage in and embrace our unique identity, to learn to feel and to identify markers for those feelings so we can gracefully navigate our earthly experience and become our best and most beautiful self.
I love you more than words could describe. You are a beautiful and treasured soul
