Blog
The Holy Ghost, a constant companion.
When I was 8 years old, I entered the waters of baptism through the priesthood power which was held by my grandpa, David Evans. There were a few moments that stood out to me. First, I stood for a picture, wearing my polyester white dress in front of a painting of the Savior’s baptism in the hall at our stake center. Second, as I came out of the water, I distinctly remember feeling disappointed. I knew my sins were washed away, but what I was expecting was to feel different. I felt happy and good, but I didn’t feel different. Third, my disappointment didn’t last for long. In those days, we were baptized on Saturday, and then confirmed during sacrament meeting, the following day. Our meeting started with a hymn, an opening prayer and a few announcements. Then the bishop called me to the front as the newest member of our ward, and he invited all the priesthood brethren who were with me to come down and stand in the circle to confirm me a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. All of those hands felt heavy and warm on my head. I felt safe and protected. I do not remember what was said in the blessing. But I remember feeling something…… I felt what I expected to feel the day before, which was different. From the tip of my head, down to my little baby toes, my body filled with warmth. I tingled all over. This was the feeling I thought I would feel when I got baptized. Inside I did a little happy dance. I now had the gift of the Holy Ghost. Since that day, I have had many opportunities to rely on that gift. I felt the Holy Ghost as a child, encouraging me to stay away from danger. I relied on the Holy Ghost when I was a teenager, and babysat for a long weekend. I relied on the Holy Ghost to help me recall information for a test that I had prepared for. When my dad died, the Holy Ghost whispered to me truths about forever families that at the time felt so far away. The Holy Ghost has even opened up my mind to see my precious children before they have arrived to our family. In every major decision I have sought my Heavenly Father through prayer, and then relied on the Holy Ghost to confirm my decision, or guide me along my path. As a mother, there is no greater joy that I have than to see you Brennan, and all my children happily making good choices along the path back to our Heavenly Father. Brennan, you are a delightful boy. You have always been full of energy, and enthusiasm. You are kind to those you meet and associate with. You have a natural curiosity for the world around you. You are smart. I have absolutely loved being your mother. Now that you are eight, have been baptized you are given the gift of the Holy Ghost. Heavenly Father knows that as a boy you are capable and strong enough to stand as a witness of Him. He knows that 8 you know the difference between right and wrong. He knows that at 8 you could...
read moreDreams on the top the mountain
I dream a lot. More often I can accurately depend on dreams to help me understand my experiences, prepare for the future, or to help me find peace with my challenges. A few nights ago I was reading my Facebook feed. The news feed has been all a twitter with gay activist celebrating the recent turn of events which has made Utah’s marriage law of one man and one woman “unconstitutional.” Because of personal experience, and my own personal grief I find this topic very emotional. I choose not to publicly proclaim my opinion because I do not want a target on my face for criticism or anti-christian sentiment. This is not an indication of my feelings about this subject, on the contrary. One of my facebook friends, who is a gay rights supporter, posed the question, to get feedback pros and cons, around the subject for an article she is writing for a school newspaper. My mind began swirling, reeling with sadness, grief and fear. It has taken me years to process, understand and deal with the issues I have surrounding my own gay father. I have experienced gay hatred, I have experienced compassion, and empathy. I have experienced loss of the tangable and the never existant dreams. I have seen the hope of Christ’s love diminish into fear and darkness… bitterness and sadness. I witnessed the destruction of my own father’s life because he chose to move from the protection promised by living obediently to the laws of God. He died alone, penniless….. urinary tract infection, pneumonia, staff infection, fungal infection, meningitis. All of these illnesses because of his choice to “love freely” who he would love. My gut reaction is to preach of these sufferings to the community. To explain that my family has experienced the road of homosexuality and come out alive, despite the destruction and sadness it caused us. And yet I fear for retribution of those who would not listen to the preaching of repentance. I want to save them from suffering as I have. I want to keep in tact the families of those mothers and fathers. I want to preserve the feeling of safety and love provided by loving fathers to their children. I sat in bed, my heart racing, air constricting my breath, heaviness in my chest and my spirit. Gripped with fear and sadness, responsibility and weight. I prayed fervently to my Father, to help me understand and have to faith, to have courage. To feel peace, despite the feeling of growing darkness around me. As a civil right, marriage equality seems fine. But as an issue of moral tapestry, it will undo our great nation. For this I fear. As I lay in bed, tormented by this emotional diress, a memory came to mind. It was a great dream from a few years ago. I was in an airport with my two oldest children. I was tricked to go down to hell. Hell was the basement of the airport. Blue carpet, white walls. Around the perimeter of the ceiling was a bank-teller like track. Covered with a blank spongy tentacle, this track carried bright shiny lights that zipped around the room. Swoosh— swoosh! zip, flash. Inside of me was a bright light, almost like a marble, glowing brightly....
read moreTemple Trips and Coming Home
For many years I have lived with a desire to heal my heart from the holes created by the absence of my dad. I don’t know why it matters that he wasn’t there, because I don’t even really know much about him. I would recognize his voice if I heard it, but I don’t know how tall he was, how he walked, or what his laugh sounded like. And yet, there has been a deep emptiness inside of my heart that bubbles to the surface periodically. A deep well of grief that sometimes feels inpenatrable. Before Christmas I wanted a gift from my husband. It wasn’t the chance to fix my ring, or a new book or journal. It wasn’t a pile of clothes or new shoes. It was the gift of life. Over the past two years I have been working on the temple work for my Dad’s family. It started with doing the endowment and initiatory for my Grandma Alvernia. Even now as I record my experiences, my brain is tingling with the happiness that has come, knowing that she has the opportunity to progress in the light of our Heavenly Father. As I performed her initiatory I was in a rush from being late, as usual. Her spirit was penatrable. I could feel her close to me. The well spring of emotion that has often filled my heart with sadness provided me with the depth to feel great joy. As I proceeded through the endowment, I could sense her just above my right shoulder. I didn’t want to look, because I knew I wouldn’t see what my spirit felt. And yet, I know that she was there, soaking in the promised blessings of the great Atonement. On December 18, 2013 we took the names of my dad, his parents and a host of other relatives to the temple to seal them as families in the house of the Lord. Anxious and filled with the spirit, we sat in the couch just outside of the sealing room, waiting for the officiator. For years I have struggled with doubts and pain as I have digested the pain that my dad experienced and caused. I have hoped that in his death he would find some peace to the pain he experienced in mortality, and desire to find the light which could heal his wounds. I have found forgiveness. I have found hope for him. And so we waited. There were beautiful landscape paintings that hung in our immediate view. Great rolling hills in the abundance of summer’s harvest. The walls were white, the lights were white. All around were reminders of whose house I was sitting. The sealer took our cards, my little stack of endowments and sealing, bound by elastics, edges worn with care. We sat on the west side of the room, in the front row. I looked up to see the breathtaking chandelier. The light reflecting from above scattered through the crystals into a thousand colors- teal, lime, magenta, pink, blue. The colors are amazing! I see across from me the ancestral link of the great mirrors. Generations before me, and generations to come, and I am the only one who can LIVE in this moment, to save the souls of those who have gone before...
read moreI have a problem remembering my passwords
I have a problem remembering my passwords….. too many to remember. I think that my new password is so easy to remember, and I have a system to remember it, but then it comes time to test myself, and I fail several times before getting access. Life is like remembering your password. Its okay to try and fail, its great to have tricks to remember things. Its ultimately up to me to try enough combinations until something works. Today I have failed several times in several ways. But ultimately, its been a great day. I have succeeded in many ways as well. I am grateful for the chance to try, try again until I succeed. This past Sunday I was released from Young Womens. I was desperately sad about this change. It was unexpected in the most fundamental way. And yet, now as I reflect the Lord prepared me. About a month ago I had the same dream twice. It was actually an almost identical dream twice. The message was the same, the activities were the same, but the dialogue differed slightly. I was in a place emotionally and physically where I knew that I no longer was going to be with my daughters. I wasn’t given the reason for this in my dream, meaning I didn’t know of any impended death or separation, I just knew I was going to be with them anymore. More desperately than I could verbally or physically express I wanted them to know one thing, that I loved them. I wanted to carry with them an unfailing conviction that their Mother adored them. My only solution to this predicament was to teach them to pray. And so with every ounce of my being I implored them to develop a relationship with their father in heaven through prayer. He could teach them two things;1. That they are deeply, and eternally loved by their mother.2. That they are deeply, and eternally loved by their Father in Heaven.I could be separated physically from my children, in my dream, knowing that they knew the great source by which all love comes, through our Heavenly Father. On Sunday, Christine gave me an opportunity to say goodbye to the sweet young women of the Eastridge 6th ward. The dream had come again to my remembrance in sacrament meeting, I instantly knew of its message. I am not being called away through death, to be separated from my daughters, Ally and Anna, I was going to be released from my Young Womens’ calling. This was my message to them. 1. To understand how much you are loved, develop a relationship with your Father in Heaven.He will teach you that you are loved by Him, your creator, as well by me.2. Be kind. Be kinder than necessary to those around you. It will open up doors of opportunity for you, and it will facilitate the opportunity for others to desire being in your space, and give you the power of influence – for good. You never know what challenges a person is facing. You might be their greatest blessing in fighting an emotional or physical challenge. The contrary is also true, with words unjust or mean you encourage others to turn from you, and possibly the light because they felt betrayed,...
read moreLittle Things
It’s the little things that make life worthwhile. Giving the kids a bath, reassuring a child of his worth, reading a book, saying prayers. It’s the small acts of kindness that raise the standard of belief. The kindness when someone opens the door, or notices the difference of appearance. I am grateful for the little things my kids say to one another that encourage and uplift each other. I am grateful for my little ones who cling to each other in play, in work and in challenging their strength and boundaries. I am infinitely grateful to my Father in Heaven who loves and supports me through my life. I want to become what he sees that I can become. I desperately want to return to His presence and look at my life satisfied that I reached, stretched, rooted, enjoyed and prioritized my life as he would have me do. We are accepting abundance and making room for it. I am grateful for that opportunity to have stretched and to be made whole by my...
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Autumn Playtime!
I love fall! This year I feel like I have missed it, since we had our baby. The last month I didn’t get out much since Ben is so small. We took just a few minutes out of our day to play in the warmth of autumn. I love these kids. We came to this same park last year to take family pictures. The kids remembered what game they had played, and which kid played which super hero, and what power they possessed. They picked up right where they left...
read moreBenjamin is here!
It was 2:00 a.m. on October 1st. The prior day, I had stretched my to do list long into the night, knowing that I would be delivering my son the next day. My sweet friend Ali Roberson, came over and helped me with errands. We cleaned cars, we went to the D.I. and to the grocery store. I finished some projects for work and made sure that plans were made for our children the following day. Not only that, but Jonny also discovered that our Explorer was infested with a troop of larva of some type. So he completely dismantled the car, and scrub the inside, took out the flooring and power sprayed it. Knowing that you have finished climbing one mountain is a dramatic feet. This mountain of pregnancy was largely apparent by looking at my round belly. We have always wanted to have four children. There have been moments when I felt like five would come to our family, but I always knew there would be four. We were devastated last winter, after learning we were pregnant, only a few short days later, I miscarried. The weight of that loss seemed so heavy. Not more than a few people even knew of what we were experiencing, and so we mostly carried the burden alone. Just a few short months later, we learned that we were pregnant with Ben. I worried along the way that this pregnancy would turn out in the same way as the last. Through priesthood blessings, lots of prayers, and a loving Heavenly Father, I was able to carry a beautiful, healthy little boy. This pregnancy had a poignancy to it, I believe it will be our last. Along the way, I recognized it was the last first time I would feel his kicks, and hiccups. It was the last first ultrasound, and the last delivery. I had a terrible time with my pelvis. The front part of my pelvis, where the cartilage is designed to keep the bone together, was splitting open. With every new ounce put on by my baby, the pressure and agony continued to grow. Thank goodness I have a great chiropractor! He helped me endure the pregnancy to the best of my ability. There were some days that I could not walk. Other days I could hobble around. Pain has a funny way of helping you realize your great blessings, and knowing that you are alive. The last month was particularly difficult. The week before I delivered, I awoke one morning, and could not hardly put any weight on my legs. That day was filled with many tears. I felt inadequate in so many ways to accomplish what was before me. And yet, all I could do was pause, and take care of my body. I could not work, or provide, or clean, or nurture others. All I could do was rest. That day, I was cuddled up on my bed. I always like to lay on my side, a pillow between my legs. I was laying down, facing our bedroom door. As tears were streaming down my face, I fell in and out of prayer, and sleep. “Heavenly Father, please help me endure this challenge. Heavenly Father, please help me. Heavenly Father, can you send Grandma Joy to...
read moreEverything I know I learned from my garden
I love to garden! I love the feeling of seeing my hard word bring about fruit. It is so exhilarating to go outside and witness by God’s great grace 4 ft. tall tomato plants thriving in the hot July sun! I love seeing my children discover bugs; lady bugs, grass hoppers, spiders (ew!) and potato bugs. I love trimming, pruning and weeding to show off a newly taken care of space. It makes my heart happy. Life lessons about gardening that I have learned this year: 1. You cannot weed yourself into an amazing garden, you must replace the weeds with something beautiful. This life lesson is very pertinent to anyone wanting to make a change in their life. Bad thoughts, grumpy attitudes, anger, debt, poor physical being, etc. cannot just be eradicated from our lives. The negative space is immediately taken over again by the seeds, roots and life left behind by the weeds. We have a beautiful vegetable garden. We have purposely chosen to put thick, black tarp like material over every space in the garden that does not have a plant. This eliminates the ability to produce weeds everywhere. In the locations where there are plants, the weeds also grow. In the front of the garden, we have a space about 2 feet wide that has no bis-queen. Guess what has shown up, you bet. Weeds. Every week we are out pulling, picking and plucking because the weeds have roots that grow deep. In order to have a beautiful garden, I cannot just weed I need to replace the weeks with something beautiful. That may be more veggies, more bis-queen, flowers, or even rocks. But until I replace the empty space, something uninvited will grow. 2. Hardship causes our roots to sink deep. Last summer we lost our vegetable garden, and most of our back fence to fire. We were lucky that we did not lose our home. That summer we had spent hours and hours building a new garden, with trenches and hills, irrigation, and plants. It was absolutely beautiful! My heart ached as we looked upon the destruction. Ashes, smoldering rocks, and a newly opened view to the field behind our house. There was char everywhere on the posts that were still standing. Our plastic 5 gallon buckets were flat and black as burnt pancakes. And our plants which were once full of life were absolutely and totally decimated. I overlooked our garden from our patio, overwhelmed with grief, and gratitude. “Sarah, I am watching over you. I have sent angels around your home to protect and look after you. Trust me.” The still small voice whispered reassurance, that the prayers from the years past, that my home would be a refuge from the storms of life, had been very physically answered on this day. Our garden was gone, our fence needed to be repaired. The grass, we thought we were going to loose, our small trees that we had just planted we were sure were going to die. What happened was surprising. The grass grew back. Literally, from what seemed to be from death, now is flourishing. Our apple tree, just four feet tall sprung forth with leaves. Even two of the young trees that we planted that died, sprouted new trees this...
read moreI have an itch to be something…..
I have an itch to be something. My time seems so taken right now, and I am torn between doing too much and doing too little to fulfill my life’s work. There is a season for everything, and now my children are so small. I don’t want to miss a single moment, and yet, I feel a calling, pulling me into sharing who I am. I feel fear. I feel vulnerable, and so I stay. My heart’s desire is to write and to speak. I must become what God has enabled me to become. I am pregnant. Just about 6 1/2 weeks. I have already had an ultrasound too, saw the heart beat on our 1/2 cm baby. I feel very blessed. We are due October 8, 2013. Lucky. I feel blessed. I am grateful to be me. I am grateful that I had money to buy lots of groceries today, we have our food for our 72 hour kits too. I feel so blessed. I want to give back. I want to shine for others. I want to be brave! In time, all things will...
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