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Who am I?
Who am I? The scriptures teach that Jesus was the Father, because he was Begotten, or born of the flesh as God, the Father’s off spring. He was the Father through the genetics that ran through his veins. I am my mother, I am my father. I am grandma Joy, I am grandpa David. Yet, I am also me. I am Sarah Elizabeth. I am born, I am free of my own will to choose. Today I am light. I feel full of gratitude and faith for the opportunity to live, to grow and to love.I am a woman with blue eyes, extra weight around my middle, funny lines sometimes, desire to be better always, imperfect and impatient, easily fatigued, and full of love for others. I am striving to be better each and every day. I have a desire to teach, to radiate the light of Jesus Christ. I want to show others the way to the Savior. I want to share stories and insights, life lessons. I am grateful to teach the youth of our ward. I am grateful to have my health, to enjoy my well being. Today we had a great lesson in Young Womens. The Sciammarella family just returned from Africa, where they built a well for a tiny, remote village. There, children die every day from bad drinking water. It is common to go to school and share a small desk with four other kids. No pencils, no paper, no books. Just a chalk board and a teacher, to dictate, and for the kids to verbally repeat. They would walk two or three miles to gather five gallons of dirty water. They carry the water on their head, moms, cart their babies on their backs. They continue onward, ever forward to provide for their children. They have nothing. We have so many material blessings, and yet they have found happiness, joy in the simple pleasures of living. Here, we are not so happy, but can be. The lesson today was about service. About looking to others and sharing our light, our love and our abundance to ease other’s burdens. I am grateful for the spirit of gratitude and humility that was...
read moreNew Beginnings and Old Roots
Grandma Joy passed away on July 5th, 2011. It has been terribly hard to grieve her passing. Although I do not mourn for her, I know she is tenderly reunited with her sweet companion on the other side, I ache inside for her. As I sat in the hospital room, surrounded by my family members, I watched her mortal frame, once full of life and love, slip peacefully into silence. As her emaciated frame took its last breath, almost immediately, a bright light shone from the window. It was as if her spirit, freed from its mortal probation, flew swiftly up to heaven, leaving behind a trail of pixie dust. Bread crumbs of faith for us to follow. Immediately I felt a pain of loneliness. Never in my life did I doubt that I was loved. So many trials, so many blessings, and yet I feel grateful to know that my grandparents played a huge role in my successful development in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Grandma’s love was so all encompassing and fulfilling that it seemed to make up the difference for personal inadequacies and family hardships. I know that many of my cousins share the same adoration for Grandma, and I know that all of my cousins love her. I truly feel like I needed her more. The whole. “more” thing is truly pride speaking, in terms of love there is no room for placement and firsts and lasts, I understand that. Yet, Grandma had a gift of making everyone whom she came into contact with feel special. That’s how she made me feel. I remember going to our Uintah Elementary Grandparents Day. It seemed so foreign to see other peoples grandparents. They weren’t my grandma replicated. It was a new day for my little mind. I felt such grandeur walking in with these two people who I saw as being important because of how I felt when I was with them, not because of their material belongings, or cultural esteem. It was love that filled me up, all the empty places were full. I felt happiness and joy. Today I took a long walk, up a large hill to 1300 East in Draper. The steep slope challenged my legs onward, in grief and saddness, determination and flight, I conquered the hill. Tears began rolling down my cheeks, great gulps of ache filled my breast. Remembering my last night with Grandma alone, she bore her testimony of the afterlife. And although it seems strange, I felt great comfort in her admission to me that she longed desperately to be with grandpa. “Sarah, I do not want to die, but I am not afraid of it. However, I am so excited to have the longest date of my life with Grandpa.” She testified to me, as we shared tears. How I do miss Grandpa. On that last night, before she went into the hospital, I went to visit, looking for a photo of Grandpa. It was my tender mercy from the Lord that I had the chance to be with her one on one, one last time. I went up to the cabin with my Laurels last week. It was a time to celebrate the girls who have graduated, and strengthen everyone with the bearing of testimonies. Never...
read moreResistance is Futile
What are you resisting? Why? Every time my husband sits down to teach me a new work skill, specifically some quite simple programming elements, my whole body cringes with frustration and rebellion. For weeks I have been avoiding, denying, procrastinating and flat out refusing to try this new skill. Inside my body is screaming, “No!!!! I don’t want to!!!” But why? What is it about this new opportunity that I resist? I pride myself on being an adventurist, an outgoing, fun loving person. So why do I challenge my opportunities to learn a new skill with resentment? I decided today to take on the challenge, cheerfully. I changed the ground rules for the experience and put myself in the driver’s seat. I offered my learning to my husband, and he taught me how to program. Guess what? It wasn’t half bad! I actually felt a new sense of freedom and pride that came from accomplishing something new. I now have beginning programmer bragging rights, and more confidence in my ability to be teachable. Going through this journey has opened my eyes to the feeling of resistance. I can identify three or four areas of my life that I resist change, or growth in. Why? I’m not sure why in some areas, and others I know exactly why. But from here on out, I am going to be honest with myself, honest with those around me about my feelings and challenges, and be willing to stare challenge in the face. I will learn new things and be open for opportunities that are around me. Resistance to change is futile. Why not enjoy the...
read moreGratitude
Its the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It would be wrong not to stop for a moment, during my crazy life and give thanks. We have much to be grateful for. There are many life lessons that can be interwoven amongst these moments of thanks. 1. I am grateful for who I am today. We have been through some difficult struggles throughout my life. Financial, emotional, health, family, identity, death and loss. I have lived through unbelievable goodness and abundance; three healthy children, a wonderful husband, sealing in the temple, health, friendship, testimony and belief. Despite the goodness, and the blessings, my greatest life lessons, and strength of character has come from my challenges. Those challenges teach me and mold me, they prepare me, they stretch me. Today I am grateful for my challenges. 2. I am grateful for my children. The relationship a mother has with her children ebbs and flows throughout time. This relationships can most easily be seen with a mother and her teenage daughter. Often it is stereotyped by emotions, and drama on the part of the daughter. I have felt particularly grateful for my children on this day. As I was pregnant with Allyson, I really felt Brennan clung to Jonny for emotional support as he identified that I was not my best self. Since I have had Ally, 10 months ago, my relationship with Brennan has re-emerged. He needs me in a way that is irrevocable. It is unreplaceable and is totally vital to his complete development. It is the most humbling experience to feel the longing of your children for your love, for your attention, for the safety of your arms, for your reassurance. I feel, and have had this same awareness at different times with each of my children. My children are each precious in their own, unique way. They are each a blessing, a bestowal of power, of authority, of innocence. They are a gift from Heavenly Father, and tonight I am grateful to be their mother. 3. I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for the protecting arms that can hold me, the strong vision of encouragement, and the strength in the priesthood that protects me. I am so grateful for the love I receive and for the acceptance I feel from my husband. When I was 16, I nannied for a family, the Gerrish’s. Jill, the Mother, and I were dear friends. She explained that when she was falling in love, she could feel everything moment, every emotions, like it was right on the surface of her skin. As she married, and lived with her husband, that relationship became deeper, it infiltrated throughout her entire being. Just like blood flows through our veins and is vital to our daily existence, so too is that relationship of marriage. It goes unnoticed largely, but on occasion, emotions, experience and life pulls from that wellspring of love. Then the relationship is on the surface. We have been married for ten and a half years. Together, for 11 1/2. I am grateful for the love that grows, for the sealing that binds us, and the courage we have to walk forward in faith. 4. I am grateful to be a wife. I have lived with a single mother, I have lived with...
read moreWhat’s the answer?
Often in life I have dallied in a world of high activity and excitement. There have been other times in my life where struggle and frustration rule out my natural state of optimism and good cheer. President Monson in his recent conference address talked about Gratitude. Gratitude is a characteristic that is most highly linked to all other Godly attributes. I am grateful for his wisdom. In our effort to have a house of order, I have been clearing my clutter. I have been organizing. Rather than feeling victimized by bad habits, I am changing and proceeding with good cheer. It makes me feel a bit in control. Although I know enough to realize how little I actually can control, my good circumstance is mostly an effect of Heavenly Father’s abundance, I need to show gratitude by doing my part. Thoughts from conference. 1. Be and create order. 2. Teach my children the plan of salvation. 3. Trust the Lord whole heartedly, in turn, he will be able to trust me. (Elder Erying) 4. Develop my relationship with God, with my fellow man, with my family and with myself. 5. Be obedient to the counsel of God, always. No matter what. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the work which I can take part in each and every day. I am grateful for obstacles and opportunities to grow. I am grateful for health. I am grateful for pink cotton candy clouds. I am grateful for my grandparents. Whatever the challenge in life, whether it be sickness, heartache, financial difficulty….. it is time to be of good cheer. To serve others and to give Heavenly Father my whole heart. That means trusting him, listening to him and being patient with his plan for my...
read moreEmerald Green Grass perfect matt for a baby yoga exercise
She’s sitting up perfectly now! Absolutely perfectly! Outside against the lush emerald grass, her tiny frame with plump belly happily waved and swaggered at the breeze, the soft blades under neath her, and anything else she could scrap up to her wiggling tongue. What a delight! My seven month old loved our outdoor adventure! The only thing more exciting than trying to put a brigade or wafting dandelion parachuters in your mouth would be the handful of gravel rocks that brother found around the shed. How did we end up with an arrow head in the mix? I do not know, but it was an adventure! Cute Brennan saw a streaking jet across the azure sky. “Mom, can I wish on a shooting jet?” Sure thing bud! You can wish on a shooting jet. He was sure it might have been a rocket, or such. He has declared twice now that his costume of choice for Halloween is a chicken. We’ll see about that. My heart is growing bigger with these children...
read moreA week for many firsts
So, its Sunday night again. It has been a week of many firsts. Anna started second grade. My own second grade teacher was named Mrs. Sherry, she was also Solomon, my older brother’s second grade teacher. Anna’s class is one of about 7 portables just outside the school, close to the playground. We had a fun Mommy daughter date on Friday night. It was one of my favorites! We had breakfast for dinner at Village In, followed by a darling, no guilt, cry a little movie, “Ramona and Beezus.” Both Anna and I shed a few tears. It was every appropriately a girl’s night out film. Saturday we tackled the garage, and to our surprise it looks absolutely fabulous, followed that with a couple hours of work, a family reunion, Jimmy John run for sandwiches and wa-la! Your weekend is almost done. Round that off with a meeting of Stake Conference, a walk with the family and your done! This weekend has been filled with some highs and lows. In so many ways I feel so blessed! I am surrounded by people who love me, I have the gospel of Jesus Christ that anchors my life, I have beautiful and healthy children. I have a husband who works hard, and believes in family. On the other side, there are some very heavy issues that our family is dealing with right now. Some of them are long standing challenges, they often go unnoticed. At other times, they are blaring and heavy, consequential and concerning. Intellectually I understand that everyone goes through challenges. It is part of life’s journey. When preparing to teach Sunday School, I have found great strength in reading about Job. His challenges were fierce and terrible, yet he stayed true to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He stayed true to Jesus. He did not ever doubt the authority or wisdom of God, despite his longing to stop suffering. He never turned his back on the Lord. I find great strength in that experience. At Stake Conference today, a wise sister counseled us to create a self fulfilling prophesy with those we love. She said to treat them as they an be, and they will become so. Treat them as if they are the person, we know they can be, and they will become that person. What wise counsel. Rather than reacting to specific situations, and allowing relationships to be a reflection of the present and the past, interact as if they are the magnificent creature God intended them to be. Their countenance will shine forth and their being will radiate, their actions will crawl to enjoy the longing of my affection in God. The other theme for Stake Conference was about reading the Book of Mormon. One sister guesstimated the population of mankind on earth, 102 Billion have lived on the earth. Which means, if 1/3 never made it to mortality, there could be upwards of 50 Billion wrathful spirits, who are allowed to taunt and tempt us unto evil. That’s 8-9 evil spirits for every living person on the earth. The good news, Jesus is brighter than any darkness, Jesus is fuller than any despair. The Church is true and the saving ordinances of the temple protect us in our times of darkness. Angels, who have...
read moreTime Changes with Age
Time changes with age. It goes faster, it is more precious, it is more reflective, it is more full. It is less wasted, it is less taken for granted, it is never boring, it is never enough. Time is anticipated with more hope, more dependence, more consequence. Time used to be filled with space, with time to think about how slow time was taking, but now it doesn’t. Time used to elongate, with slowly ticking clocks, painful passing of weeks and months, in anticipation of what’s next. Time used to be anchored in short passing seasons. Why? Passion? Responsibility? Love? Questing? Longing? Creating? My baby is six months old. How did that happen? Jammies, which were once donned by Anna, now fit snuggly on Ally. Memories of other children, now grown are precious. Which makes the little one that I hold in my arms so much more so. I love my children, I love their potential, I love their passion for life, and their love, their trust, their genuine sparkle at attention and affection. Today I am grateful for the time to hold Ally in my arms, to cradle Brennan after a sad moment, to encourage my Anna. These simple moments are fleeting, but so...
read more6 Months Old
Happy 6 month Birthday to my baby Allyson! We celebrated tonight with a darling rendition of “Happy Birfday to you!” by Brennan and Anna at the dinner table while enjoying ripe and delicious summer peaches. I went on a walk tonight with Brennan and Allyson, the sky was alight with sunset embers, gold, purple, blue, yellow, white majestic and bountiful clouds drenching the valley and mountains in Summer goodness. I pushed the double wide stroller up the big hill to 1300 East, and we ran/walked back home again. My thoughts ran through the glory of the beautiful earth, to the Atonement, to my family, and my brother. I ache inside, knowing that my brother is leaving the truth. It saddens me. And at the same time, I am being selfish and keeping my family harbored from unappreciated influences. What is the right course of action when intervention is not possible, and free choice is the front runner in Heavenly Father’s plan? How do I express love and concern, support and understanding when I choose to keep at arm’s distance to protect those I love? Offense could be taken either way, offense is not intended. So, I continue to plea on his behalf, pondering my actions, pondering my intentions, and deciding what to do. Testimonies of goodness are all around. We walked past a non watered front lawn. So quickly does the emerald banner of summer wilt into a barren field of yellow flame-potential earth. Under all those, “should have watered,” perks up persistent and ever growing weeds. How quickly can our testimonies fade, and be replaced by the burdensome and ever persistent weeds of doubt, of sin, of pride. Where water is, life is abundant. Where water lacks, growth is sequestered. Christ is the living water, he is our life. Our path, our happiness. All those that come to him will find rest. Those who deny him, deny his light, deny his truth will soon find their once fruitful and luscious life entangled in weeds, ever growing and digging, entangling their tentacles deeply into the...
read moreEnjoy the Journey
I was driving home from my Mom’s house tonight. She is recovering from major back surgery. To my surprise she is doing really well. Her color has come back, she is up and moving around. She even walked up Memory Grove the other day with Clark. I am very happy that she is on the road to recovery. Today I have been on the edge since I woke up. On the edge of what, I am not sure. But its a feeling that comes from not enough sleep. While at my Mom’s house I was thumbing through a gift catalogue that has lots of books and fun ideas for reading and nicknacks. There was a book listed by an author that describes her writing about the life of an elderly woman, aging and living. Most novels include the beginning of stories – the story of a romance, a story of a marriage, a story of an adventure. Most books don’t start with the beginning of the end. The synopsis talks about the realization of aging and learning to let go of fear and live fully with the onset of death so quickly coming. That small paragraph, written to coerce an onlooker to purchase the short book, really struck me today. I am 31 years old, I have three beautiful children, a loving husband, a house, a refrigerator full of food. I always want to loose ten pounds, but for the most part really love who I am. I feel insanely busy, like every other young mother that I know, I feel deeply connected to my children, and always wish there was another hour to finish that last project, to talk longer to my daughter, to hug my son, or cradle my infant, to be more passionate with my husband, to read my scriptures more diligently, to complete my visiting teaching, to actually cook a meal, to pay the bills, to clean up my eye brows, etc. etc. etc. etc. The list never seems to end. One day, I am going to wake up, and its going to be me writing about how to learn to live when you are 80, and staring at the years of life choices that have created my reality. It’s going to be wishing that I had just captured more fully that moment, that floating, flitting, fleeting bubble of time, and now that I am eighty, I might as well really live. My thought tonight, why not do that right now? This very moment, making a decision to let down my hair, to love myself unconditionally, with an extra ten pounds. To enjoy fully that chocolate chip cookie, that I really do love to make with my kids, to embrace and love the ability to exercise, to consume whole, rich and healthy foods. Why don’t I cast off fear right now? And love who I am today? Yes my life is crazy, my floors need to be vacuumed, my closets are not organized, my checkbook is not balanced. My dreams are big, my passions are deep. I am deeply flawed when I am tired. But dang it! I have a wonderful life, and it is worth living fully, right now, for the people who I am blessed to associate with today. In one year, in...
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