I was having strange, creepy dreams last night, after having a pretty stressful, kind of awful day. Too much on my plate, too unorganized, working too ineffectively makes for a grumpy momma. The great news is that each day is a new day, and I am grateful to have my husband at my side.
What have I learned about this?
Number one, there is more to my circumstance than I can see.
There are forces outside of my control that can influence my experiences. However, despite their influence, I am in control of my body, choices and attitudes.
Number two, I am grateful that I can do hard things.
Part of my on going story revolves around my fear of being left, or abandoned to do hard things alone. This irrational fear stems from a long string of experiences of men leaving me. In some regards there is truth to my stories, in other regards, mostly all, it is fabricated and woven in the breath of fear and lack. I am loved, I am complete, and I am safe, regardless of what circumstance I find myself. Even if the worst possibilities were to come into fruition, and I were left alone to care for my family, I am not really alone. Not at all. I am surrounded by angels, whom I feel often, and sense often. I am protected by the great power of the priesthood. I am strong.
On my morning walk today I was listening to a conference talk about learning your personal family history stories. One general authority spoke of his early pioneer ancestors who were separated for 18 months while the husband went with the Mormon Battalion to serve in the United States Army. He left his wife with six kids, while she was pregnant, to cross the plains by herself. Wow! I thought. Heavenly Father knew that she was strong, I am sure she had difficult days, days filled with anguish in just surviving the turmoil of the early saints. Other days were so full in doing good works and caring for her large family that she probably didn’t even have time to remember that she was left “alone.” My burden is often heavy. I feel inadequate to accomplish every task, and to fulfill every requirement on my task list. The cleaning is left undone. The rooms are unorganized, the children are happy mostly, but often leave the doing of the day to my hounding and perpetual requesting and reminding. Work piles up, bills pile up, prayers pile in the corners and in the quiet moments of my day. And so I work, fast and furiously from the time I arise, to the time I go to bed, from kids, to house, to faith, to work, to kids, to family, to food, to cleaning, to bed. Anger builds up inside as my insecurities remind me of the burden that is mine to carry all alone. And yet, I am not. I am surrounded and loved. I am strong. I am a leader. I am thorough, I am honest and kind. I can do this. Just like Heavenly Father, and a sweet and concerned, and faithful husband followed the council of Brigham Young to leave his family, and allow his wife to lead the family in his stead, I too can do hard things. The biggest difference is that I am a partner, I am a helpmeet, I am a companion to a good man who loves me. We are not perfect. We are not picturesque all the time. But we belong to each other, and I am grateful. Just working by my side today helped buoy my spirits, and I felt connected and prepared to face the world, because he was with me, near me and working in conjunction with my focuses. I am grateful.
It is August and our garden is in full pre harvest mode.
Our tomatoes have flourished, last year’s crop reseeded itself, and has gone wild. Our preparations were not complete.
While the tomatoes have grown, we did not provide them with adequate support, and so they have grown in clumps and piles on the ground. Tonight Jonny made a hoisting system to pull the vines of tomatoes up to the sky. I am in love with this!! It made me so happy to trim back the plants, and raise them to the sun. It will be so easy to harvest, and to celebrate the growth of our garden with this system. This afternoon, when Jonny and I went out to look at the garden, which was an abundant, tangled mess, I said to him, “I think this is like my life, abundant and messy, unorganized.” He was a little frustrated by my remarks, because there is so much good about what is going on, but even abundance, when not properly protected, prepared for and fortified can sometimes just be a mess, harvest can be lost when there is not a system to catch the fruit. I am grateful for the lessons of my garden. It teaches me in so many ways. The other lesson comes from the seeds of last year’s harvest. Sometimes in life we sow seeds that we don’t know we sow. Years and years down the road, the choices of our youth will pop up in unexpected ways, through opportunity, love, friendship, growth; frustration, addiction, loss or destruction. The seeds we sow daily matter. You never know what good or ill can come from the seemingly insignificant moments of life.
