New Beginnings and Old Roots
Grandma Joy passed away on July 5th, 2011. It has been terribly hard to grieve her passing. Although I do not mourn for her, I know she is tenderly reunited with her sweet companion on the other side, I ache inside for her. As I sat in the hospital room, surrounded by my family members, I watched her mortal frame, once full of life and love, slip peacefully into silence. As her emaciated frame took its last breath, almost immediately, a bright light shone from the window. It was as if her spirit, freed from its mortal probation, flew swiftly up to heaven, leaving behind a trail of pixie dust. Bread crumbs of faith for us to follow. Immediately I felt a pain of loneliness. Never in my life did I doubt that I was loved. So many trials, so many blessings, and yet I feel grateful to know that my grandparents played a huge role in my successful development in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Grandma’s love was so all encompassing and fulfilling that it seemed to make up the difference for personal inadequacies and family hardships. I know that many of my cousins share the same adoration for Grandma, and I know that all of my cousins love her. I truly feel like I needed her more.
The whole. “more” thing is truly pride speaking, in terms of love there is no room for placement and firsts and lasts, I understand that. Yet, Grandma had a gift of making everyone whom she came into contact with feel special. That’s how she made me feel. I remember going to our Uintah Elementary Grandparents Day. It seemed so foreign to see other peoples grandparents. They weren’t my grandma replicated. It was a new day for my little mind. I felt such grandeur walking in with these two people who I saw as being important because of how I felt when I was with them, not because of their material belongings, or cultural esteem. It was love that filled me up, all the empty places were full. I felt happiness and joy.
Today I took a long walk, up a large hill to 1300 East in Draper. The steep slope challenged my legs onward, in grief and saddness, determination and flight, I conquered the hill. Tears began rolling down my cheeks, great gulps of ache filled my breast. Remembering my last night with Grandma alone, she bore her testimony of the afterlife. And although it seems strange, I felt great comfort in her admission to me that she longed desperately to be with grandpa. “Sarah, I do not want to die, but I am not afraid of it. However, I am so excited to have the longest date of my life with Grandpa.” She testified to me, as we shared tears. How I do miss Grandpa. On that last night, before she went into the hospital, I went to visit, looking for a photo of Grandpa. It was my tender mercy from the Lord that I had the chance to be with her one on one, one last time.
I went up to the cabin with my Laurels last week. It was a time to celebrate the girls who have graduated, and strengthen everyone with the bearing of testimonies. Never in my life have I been drawn to land before with such solemn reverence and gratitude. I have been reading in my scriptures that when you pay your tithing, the land becomes sanctified. Perhaps the long time service of my ancestors has sanctified the land at the cabin. It feels holy and sacred.
In the land of my fathers…… I feel connected to that place in a similar way that I feel when I drive around my old neighborhood, that I am home. but more than that, I feel safe, proud, and a little more holy because I am in the presence of great beautify and honor.
I want so desperately to be like her in so many ways, her perpetual optimism and love for those around her. Her ability to believe in every good person, and to always look for the good in others. She is generous and kind, she is forthright and calm. I am so grateful that she is my grandmother, and that for time and all eternity I can claim her as my own.
